First things first, we have a very strict rule in our house:
ALWAYS ask permission before you touch someone else’s device. We don’t look over shoulders either unless you have permission. If one of my kid’s friends grabs my phone, she makes it known that “you never never touch a device unless it’s handed to you”.
Now that we have that as our foundation, we can move on to the contract we use to guide OUR device use. We’ve been using this since my kid was 5 years old. It still works at age 9. There are 4 rules.
Rule #1
BEFORE picking up the device, we say out loud:
- what we want to do,
- why we want to do it, and
- how much time we want
This conversation often looks like:
9yo: I want to watch videos.
Me: About what?
9yo: About snakes.
Me: Anything specific?
9yo: I want to know how to take care of snakes so I can be a good snake parent.
Me: How much time do you need?
9yo: I’d like 30 minutes.
Me: Decides whether to negotiate that number down a little or to ask what sites she plans to use.
Examples you might hear from me: I’m going to check the weather. My friend needs my attention right now, so I’m going to text with them for the next 5 or 10 minutes. Let’s see if we can find the definition of that. I’m going to zone out for 30 minutes and watch TikTok recipe ideas. This brings us to…
Rule #2
We make safe decisions online & on our devices. Determining what “safe” means is up to you. For us, that means we always ask to download, check privacy agreements (yes, really), and find an adult if anything weird happens. This rule is vague because “safe” is an evolving concept.
Rule #3
Set a timer (often 2) and put the device away when the alarm sounds. A physical and visible timer has been helpful. Time Timers are our fave. We also like setting a timer on the device because it goes where you go.
Knowing when to put the device down is hard for both of us. Timers are a reality check. If we aren’t done with the task, we may negotiate more time, but we usually put the device out of sight to minimize temptation.
Rule #4
We wait one hour after waking to use our device and we put the device away at least 1 hour before bedtime. The research is clear on the detrimental effects of tech and sleep. Our household research has taught us that if we look at a screen early, we are less motivated to read and engage in creative, offline activities.
The consequences
So what happens when we violate the terms of the contract? One of three things:
- Take a device break. This could be a few hours or a few days.
- Change app settings. Maybe we turn off chat features, reduce discoverability / visibility, change a screen name, etc. Whatever setting most closely addresses the misstep.
- Delete the app. If we can’t make intentional choices with an app, we just delete it. Certain games keep me hooked to my device, so I have to delete them. Sure, my phone is super boring, but that makes it easy to put down.
Is the contract fool-proof? Nope. However, it gives us a clear foundation from which we can have conversations and make decisions. There is no way that I will be able to keep up with the ways that tech companies will find to exploit our attention. What we can do is make our intention obvious to ourselves and each other, notice how we feel, and treat our precious attention with the care it deserves.